can it be a year?

Surely that year has passed ever so fast, one whole year today.

One whole year since that phone call to tell me my Dad had passed away. ONE WHOLE YEAR, yet it only seems like yesterday.

Today is one for remembering and thinking about my dad, the man he was, etc, I miss him so very much, still miss our Saturday chats, still miss hearing him call me a 'daft bugger' every Saturday, I just miss him.

Today was also the day to remove his phone number from my phone and his address from my address book, That was so very hard to do, accepting that he is gone forever and not returning.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day, sulking and looking at photo's of him, I don't know what else to do. People told me today was going to be harder than the actual day we lost him, I thought that would be impossible, but they were right, It is harder. I tried, telling myself that it wasn't this weekend, that if i pretended the date was different, it would just be all ok, but one friend told me your body knows and gets ready for such an event, I had times last week, when out of the blue, I would be struck down with overwhelming grief, that would come and then just disappear as suddenly as it appeared. It scared me sometimes. I woke up, this morning, and had a huge panic attack, I couldn't go outside, I couldn't do anything, I just had to sit there and wait for the moment to pass, the boys were really good, they got themselves ready for school and were surreally quiet and never argued once (that in itself was scary)

Another thing you notice One year down the track, is that no one is there to give you a hug and see if your ok, everyone is getting on with their lives and just say, ah ok, when you say it's been one year. Unless you've been there, you just don't realize I guess (I know I've been guilty of it myself).

Although in saying that, Jackie made  me the loveliest card and gave it to me on Friday, She made me cry with her thoughtfulness. (she laughed at me, that's what friends do!) And this morning, when I popped into work (to layby Emily's birthday present before it went off sale) Trina gave me the biggest hug, I never had to say a word, she just walked up to me, saying, hello Mrs Theresa green, you look a bit glum and gave me a Trina hug. it's little things like that, that mean a lot to me and show me who my friends are etc.

From tomorrow, it's the beginning of a new year, and by hook or by crook, it will be better!